The Newlywed Game
by Smile
Summary: PLEASE READ: I FINALLY UPDATED! The old 70's game show has never been the same!!!!! Your favourite Tortallan characters-- long-married or not married--compete to see who exactly the most compatible couple is. Rated PG because of some language.
1. First kisses and a proposal

I don't own these characters (except for host). Enjoy, and if it's not very good, it's the first time I've done this.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Host:*fake smile* *talks in phony cheerful voice* All right! Good evening everyone and welcome to our special episode of  
the Newlywed Game! Tonight all of our contestants are from the far away land of Tortall!  
  
Audience:*cheers*  
  
Host:*turns to the players* Okay tonight we have with us 5 very special couples who are competing to win 10 000 gold  
nobles! Our first couple is: Numair and Daine Salmalin *Audience cheers* *Daine and Numair smile and wave cutely*  
  
Daine:*whispers to Numair* We're not married yet, so why am I Daine SALMALIN?  
  
Numair:I duuno. Just play along.  
  
Daine:*shrugs slightly* Whatever.  
  
Host:Our next couple is George and Alanna of Pirate's Swoop! *Audience cheers* *George waves happily* *Alanna sulks*  
  
Host:Our third couple is Jonathan and Delia of Conte *Audience cheers*  
  
Jon:WHAT????????!!!!!!!!!!She's not my wife!!!!!!!!She tried to kill me!!!!!!!!!She-she's evil!!!!!  
  
Delia:*looks evilly at her "husband" * Hi Johnny. I'm ba-ack!  
  
Jon:*his face covered with his hands* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Host:*coughs delicately* Well, you see, Thayet of Conte was unable to attend, so we thought Delia would be a good  
substitute.....  
  
Jon:I refuse to participate with that-that FEMALE.  
  
Host:Hmm...well you signed the contract....  
  
Alanna:Yeah Jon, you signed the CONTRACT!  
  
Jon:FINE!!!!!But I know nothing about that bi-  
  
Host:*comes in quickly* Now, now folks, no need for harsh words! Our next couple is Domitan and Keladry of Masbolle.  
  
*audience cheers*  
  
Kel: *looks confused* Of Masbolle? But I'm a Mindelan! Masbolle is Dom's last name...  
  
Dom: *looks embarrassed* Uh...didn't I mention this to you already...I thought I did...  
  
Kel: *looks even more confused* Mention what?  
  
Daine: *nudges Kel and whispers something in her ear*  
  
Kel: *blushes* Ooooohhhhhhh!  
  
Dom: Well, uh, I was trying to avoid any awkward moments...  
  
Alanna: *sarcastically* Well, it's a little late for that, isn't it?  
  
Dom: *gets down on one knee* I meant to do this before, but Keladry of Mindelan will you marry me? *takes Kel's hand*  
  
Kel: Wow. Well, uh, sure!  
  
Dom: *stands up and grabs Kel in a hug* WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! *kisses her* *audience cheers*  
  
Kel: *dazed* I'm getting married.  
  
George: Cogratulation young 'uns!  
  
Numair: *holding Daine around the shoulder* Are we invited?  
  
Kel: *is now crying softly* You guys are so nice....  
  
*Everyone gathers in a group hug, except for Jon who is looking uncomfortably at Delia, sulking, and Delia who is filing her  
nails and smiling at a cute guy in the crowd.*  
  
Host: *clears his throat* Uh, moving along... Our last couple is Nealan and Yukimi of Queenscove! *audience cheers* *Yuki  
and Neal smile and wave at the audience*  
  
Host: Ok, this is how the game works: first I ask a question about your spouse. Then I ask first the wife from each couple  
to leave the room, and then the husband. While each member of the couple is out of the room, they will answer the  
question for themselves, and for their spouse on video tape. When both members of each couple have answered the  
question, the tapes will be shown. The couple who gets the most questions about each other correct will win the $10000!  
Everyone understand? *all nod* All right! We can FINALLY get on to the first question! The question is: Who was your  
spouse's first kiss? *two women with bleached teeth wearing bright sun dresses enter* Ladies please follow Heidi and  
Julia backstage.  
  
*After a few minutes the women return, and the men follow Heidi and Julia backstage. The men return and the host turns  
to the audience.*  
  
Host: All right! The contestants have given their answers. *turns to contestants* All right! Let's reveal just what you know  
about your spouses! George let's see who you thought kissed Alanna first! *tape plays*  
  
George on tape: I think that Jon was Alanna's first kiss. *tape stops*  
  
Host: And now Alanna! *tape plays*  
  
Alanna on tape: How the hell should I know? Probably some Rogue lady I've never heard of! *tape stops*  
  
Host: Oo-kay...now let's see the real answers! *tape plays*  
  
Alanna on tape: *is blushing and glaring* My first kiss was you George.*tape ends*  
  
Host: Oh! George got that one wrong!  
  
Alanna: DUH! I can't believe you didn't know that! I mean, it was YOU!!!!!  
  
George: Well sorry! You didn't exactly say: "Oh that was my first kiss!" You threatened to stab me!!!!!!!  
  
Alanna: *muttering* Sorry about that.  
  
Host: And now George! *tape plays*  
  
George on tape: My first kiss was Ruth Hansley, a lady of the Rogue. *tape ends*  
  
Alanna: Hah! I sort of got it right!  
  
Host: We'll give Alanna half a point for that, as it was quite impossible for her to know the lady's name.  
  
Alanna: Whoo hoo! Who rules!  
  
Host: Next let's see what Domitan thought! *tape plays*  
  
Dom on tape: I think that Cleon of Kennan was Kel's first kiss. *tape ends*  
  
Host: Now let's see Kel! *tape plays*  
  
Kel on tape: Uuuhhh.....I dunno. *tape ends*  
  
Host: Now let's reveal the truth! *tape plays*  
  
Kel on tape: Cleon of Kenonn was my first kiss. *tape ends*  
  
Host: That's correct!!!  
  
Dom: *looks triumphantly at Alanna* NOW who rules? *Alanna sticks her tongue out at him*  
  
Host: Now the truth about Dom! *tape plays*  
  
Dom on tape: My first kiss was Celia of Watersgate. *tape ends*  
  
Kel: Who's she?????  
  
Dom: Some girl I know that you don't know.  
  
Kel: Oh.  
  
*The tapes continue, with Daine earning a point for herself and Numair; Neal and Yuki earning one point (Yuki's doing); and,  
surprisingly, Jon and Delia both earning a point! (They both the other's first kiss.)*  
  
Host: *flashes a bright smile at the camera* All right, our lovely Conte couple, Jonathan and Delia, *Jon growls* is in the  
lead, but who knows what will happen? It's the Newlywed Game! We'll be right back after these messages from our  
sponsors. 


	2. Eminem and the couples' songs

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters (they're all Tamora's), except the host. I also don't own The Newlywed Game, but I don't think it even airs any more, so whatever.   
  
NOTE: To whom it may concern, Jon and Delia AREN'T together! I'm not an insane maniac, so they're not in love, they're not married, DON'T WORRY! They hate each other. Thayet simply couldn't show up, and the show made a bad choice for her replacement.  
  
NOTE: The title of this was supposed to be "The Newlywed Game", but a friend made a mistake, so don't go getting hyper on me if you noticed the title was wrong (or is now different).  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*(getting tired...)~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Host: We're back with The Newlywed Game! *audience cheers* *contestants wave*  
  
Host: Our current standings are: first place-Jonathan and Delia of Conte with 2 points; second place-a tie between   
  
Domitan and Kel of Masbolle, Nealan and Yukimi of Queenscove, and Numair and Veralidaine Salmalin, all with 1 point; and third place- George and Alanna of Pirate's Swoop with half a point. *audience cheers*  
  
Host:Time for our second question! The question is: What is you and your spouse's song? For this question, only one answer is required from each contestant. Ladies, follow Heidi and Julia backstage. *the women return in a few mintutes* Gentlemen, your turn. *Men return after a couple of minutes*  
  
Host: It's time to reveal just what you know about your spouse!!!  
  
*Jon clears his throat*  
  
Host: Or aquaintance! The question was what is you and your spouse's song? Let's start with Numair this time! *tape plays*  
  
Numair on tape: "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston. *tape ends*  
  
Host: Oh! I love Whitney!!!!!! *bursts into song* IIIIIIIIIIII....WILL ALWAYS LOO-OOOVE YOOOOOUUUU-OO-OO....WI---- *suddenly looks around and blushes crimson* Hmmmm..uh..just jokin' around with you....  
  
*contestants stare at each other, bewildered*  
  
Alanna: Ha, ha.  
  
Host: Moving along.....Daine said:*tape plays*  
  
Daine on tape: Uhh, that Dionne Warwick song,,oh, no it was that lady who's her niece or something. Ummm.....haven't the slightest! "Cleaning out my closet" by Eminem. I dunno.....*tape ends*  
  
Host: Ohhh! No points there!!!  
  
Numair: Whitney Houston is Dionne Warwick's niece! And who's Eminem?!?!   
  
Daine: *shakes her head slowly* Ommigod Numi.  
  
Numaire: WHAT?  
  
Neal: You don't know Eminem?? Man...*pulls bandana out of his pocket and puts it on* HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HATED OR DISCRIMINATED AGAINST?   
  
Yuki: Shut up Neal!  
  
Neal: WELL I HAVE....  
  
Yuki: NEALAN!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Neal: *stops* sorry.  
  
Host: You know Neal, you just gave me an idea. Excuse me for a moment. *walks off and returns 5 minutes later*  
  
Alanna: What's going on?  
  
Host: I've just talked to the producers and reviewed all of the video tapes and we're going to have a special round!  
  
Jon: What's that supposed to mean????  
  
Host: All of the husbands will get to perform the song they thought was "their song". *audience cheers*  
  
*The wives begin to laugh as the husbands look shocked*  
  
Host: Now I'll quickly go over your answers. Neal said "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias, as did Yukimi. Jon said "She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mud. And Delia said "I dunno, I hate him!" Is that a song?  
  
Delia: *looks at host prettily and bats eyelashes* Oh, I meant "She Hates Me". I must have gotten confused, hon. Sorry. *smirks at Jon, who now must perform as a punk rocker and looks as though he's going to faint.*  
  
Host: *blushes* Ok, that's all right then! George said "Hound Dog" by Elvis Presley, and--  
  
Alanna: WHAT???? *George shrugs*  
  
Host: And Alanna said "Beautiful Day* by U2.  
  
Numair: "You too" what?  
  
Host: Never mind. Dom said "Work It" by Missy Elliot.  
  
Kel: *Falls over laughing*   
  
Dom: What? I was thinking we could dance to it at the wedding....Wait...didn't you say that too?  
  
Kel: *gasps for air* I'm gonna have a hernia!!!!!!! *rolls over and falls of the stage*  
  
Host: And finally, Kel said "Born To make You Happy" by Britney Spears. Now, guys you will have ten minutes to go backstage and rehearse your performances. You will get three bonus points for completing the song in front of our studio audience. First, the standings are: Jon and Delia with 3 points; Neal and Yuki with 2 points; Numair and Daine and Dom and Kel with one point each; and George and Alanna with half of a point. We'll be right back after the break!  
  
*audience applauds and the show leaves to a commercial for toilet bowl cleaner*  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Won't this be fun!!!!!!!! Jon's a punk rocker, Numair's a diva, and Dom's a black hip hop artist who dresses in skimpy clothes! Can't wait for chapter 3! 


	3. Manhood and punk rock

Hey everyone! I'm finally back!!!! (It's only been half a year!) This chapter, I repeat, this chapter will NOT be boring,  
  
even though it's just people singing!!!!! SO R/R!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Host: Hey everyone! We're back again on the Newlywed Game!   
  
*audience cheers, contestants wave, etc., etc.*  
  
Host: It's now time for our special singing round where these beautiful ladies' *he looks at Delia* husbands will be performing some EXCITING songs! Over the break Numair decided against participating in this special round.   
  
Alanna: Girl!  
  
Host: First up is the one, the only, NEAL!!!  
  
*sappy, crappy Hero music begins to play (sorry Enrigay, I mean, Enrique fans)*  
  
Neal: *enters wearing feminine looking blousey shirt and Jewish-looking toque*  
  
*begins to croon the lyrics even WORSE than Enrique*  
  
  
  
Would you dance  
  
if I asked you to dance?  
  
Would you run  
  
and never look back?  
  
Would you cry  
  
if you saw me cry?  
  
And would you save my soul, tonight?  
  
Would you tremble  
  
if I touched your lips?  
  
Would you laugh?  
  
Oh please tell me this.  
  
Now would you die   
  
for the one you loved?  
  
Hold me in your arms, tonight.   
  
I can be your hero, baby.  
  
I can kiss away the pain.  
  
I will stand by you forever.  
  
You can take my breath away.  
  
Alanna: A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!   
  
Neal: SHUT UP!!!!!!! *continues singing in much the same wimpy way for the rest of the song until finally:*   
  
I can be your hero.  
  
Yuki: *wipes away tears* That was beautiful!  
  
Host: Wasn't it?   
  
Alanna: No. *Yuki glares at her*  
  
Host: Okay, you got your three points Neal & Yuki. Next is loud, the bad: JON!!!!  
  
Jon: *enters wearing an old t-shirt, baggy jeans, with his hair in a mohawk*  
  
*begins slowly say the words, as though he's in pain*  
  
  
  
Met a girl, thought she was grand  
  
fell in love, found out first hand  
  
went well for a week or two  
  
then it all came unglued  
  
in a trap trip I can't grip  
  
never thought I'd be the one who'd slip  
  
then I started to realize  
  
I was living one big lie  
  
She f-MUST I SAY THAT VULGAR WORD??????  
  
*Host is too busy staring at Delia to notice.*  
  
Alanna: You're such a GIRL Jon!  
  
Jon: YOU of all people should know how man I am Alanna!  
  
Audience: OOOOH!  
  
Alanna: Oh shut up, ya idiots! No, Jon, maybe DELIA'S the one who should know how man you are!  
  
Jon: *gasps* Did you here that Delia???  
  
Delia: I don't get it.....hmm....I wonder if they have a nail file in this place?  
  
George: *runs on from backstage, starts yelling at Jon* Don't talk to my girl that way PUNK!  
  
Host: Okay break it up! Are you going to finish the song Jon!  
  
Jon: Yah, and I'm gonna finish it like a MAN!  
  
She fu-friggin'- hates me  
  
trust  
  
she friggin' hates me  
  
la la la love  
  
I tried too hard  
  
and she tore my feelings like I had none  
  
and ripped them away  
  
*finishes song, managing not to swear by changing "vulgar" words into poo and frig*  
  
Host: All right, you got your points too. Third we have George performing hound dog.  
  
*George enters and begins to wiggle his hips. He's wearing leather pants, has his hair slicked over to one side, and has side burns drawn on in magic marker.*  
  
You ain't nothin' but a hound dog   
  
cryin' all the time.  
  
You ain't nothin' but a hound dog   
  
cryin' all the time.  
  
Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit   
  
and you ain't no friend of mine.  
  
When they said you was high classed,   
  
well, that was just a lie.  
  
When they said you was high classed,   
  
well, that was just a lie.  
  
You ain't never caught a rabbit   
  
and you ain't no friend of mine.  
  
*the whole time his legs are twitching oddly, and Alanna is rolling around on the ground*  
  
Host: Wow George, that was great! Now, our final performer of the night, DOM! (Or should I say Miss Domimite?)  
  
Dom: *sticks his head out from backstage* Do I have to do it?  
  
Kel: C'mon, get us our points!  
  
Dom: Okay! It isn't a pretty sight though. *steps out and the audience roars with laughter: he's wearing a skimpy girls track suit; a black, curly wig; and lip stick.*  
  
Alanna: You got a sexy one there Kel. *smirks*  
  
Dom: DO YOU THINK THIS ISN'T HARD ENOUGH? *music beins to play*   
  
*he begins to rap*  
  
DJ, please pick up your phone  
  
I'm on the request line  
  
This is a Missy Elliott one-time exclusive (Come on)  
  
Is it worth it, let me work it  
  
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it  
  
Ti esrver dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup I  
  
Ti esrver dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup I (author's note: I HOPE that's right! If it isn't don't weird out on me, just tell me in your review!)  
  
*He finishes the song perfectly , but I'm not putting down the rest of the lyrics: I'd have to rate this fic R*  
  
Audience/contestants: *cheering & applauding, on their feet*  
  
Host: Wow! That was great Dom! That brings us to the end of our bonus round and it appears that most of our male contestants are secure enough in their manhood-   
  
Alanna: *looks at Dom* Or womanhood.  
  
host: -to sing in front of a live audience. The bonus round closes with Jon and Delia still in the lead with 6, Neal and Yuki close behind with 5, Dom and Kel with 4, Alanna and George with 3 and a half, and Numair and Daine in last with 1. We'll be back after the break! 


End file.
